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http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk Quality free jokes database Sun, 11 Sep 2011 22:42:41 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/youre-drinking-too-much-coffee-when/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/youre-drinking-too-much-coffee-when/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5045 Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.” You answer the door before people knock. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.” You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people’s fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.” Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named “Joe.” You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet n Low.” You don’t sweat, you percolate. You buy milk by the barrel. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.” You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.” You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.” You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption over spilled milk. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment. You don’t tan, you roast. You don’t get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can’t even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.” Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/youre-drinking-too-much-coffee-when/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/excuses-to-use-when-caught-sleeping-at-work/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/excuses-to-use-when-caught-sleeping-at-work/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5043 They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. I was working smarter – not harder. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout. I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. I’m in the management training program. I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga? No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. The coffee machine is broken…. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day. I’m just resting my eyes.

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/excuses-to-use-when-caught-sleeping-at-work/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/you-might-be-an-internet-addict-if/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/you-might-be-an-internet-addict-if/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5042 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com” Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.” You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.” You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/you-might-be-an-internet-addict-if/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/signs-you-took-y2k-too-serious/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/signs-you-took-y2k-too-serious/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5041 You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left! You have no savings left because you used it to prepare. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one and five dollar bills. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water. You were depressed because nothing happened !!

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/signs-you-took-y2k-too-serious/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/if-aol-were-a-city/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/if-aol-were-a-city/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5040 You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name. You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard. The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident. The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move. If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.” Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.” Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation. You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/if-aol-were-a-city/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/you-might-be-a-bad-customer-if/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/you-might-be-a-bad-customer-if/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5039 You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane. You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes. You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are. You return the coffee because it’s too hot. You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon). You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one. You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years. If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20 You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you. You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party. You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong. While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?” You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn’t like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor. You chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other. You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/you-might-be-a-bad-customer-if/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/cards-you-will-never-see-in-hallmark/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/cards-you-will-never-see-in-hallmark/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5038 Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.” “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?” “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.” “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.” “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?” “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.” “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.” “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…” “Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!” “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.” “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.” “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.” “Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike! “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.” “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.” “We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.” “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.” “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?” “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.” “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/cards-you-will-never-see-in-hallmark/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/signs-you-hired-the-wrong-kid-to-mow-your-lawn/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/signs-you-hired-the-wrong-kid-to-mow-your-lawn/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5037 He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher. He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks. No toes.

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/signs-you-hired-the-wrong-kid-to-mow-your-lawn/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/doesnt-it-annoy-you-when/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/doesnt-it-annoy-you-when/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:44 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5036 …there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found? …you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer? …there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit? …you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out? …you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you. …someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes. …a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some. …you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around. …you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. …a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth. …your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading. …there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. …the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries. …someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card. …the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on. …you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything

]]> http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/doesnt-it-annoy-you-when/feed/ 0 http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/helpful-tips-to-make-life-simpler/ http://www.chairmanofthebored.co.uk/helpful-tips-to-make-life-simpler/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:38:43 +0000 The Chairman ?p=5028 Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

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