Things To Think About Our Government
29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse. 7 Have been arrested for fraud. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses. 3 Have been arrested for assault. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity
Miscellaneous yo mama jokes
Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! Yo mama aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat! Yo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. Yo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. Yo mama twice the man you are. Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. Yo mama is missing a finger and can’t count past nine. Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Yo mama middle name is Rambo. Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, “You ain’t gonna puch me ’round no more.” Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn’t even serve Happy Meals. Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday. Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo. Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. I saw your mama at the freak show petting the world’s largest turtle. I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said “Moving.” Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
A human’s chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain “My arm is tired” after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot – even in December. 12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car. 13. I will share everything I eat with my master. 14. I will allow my master on the couch. 15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times. 16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things. 17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it. 18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog. 19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master. 20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her “collar.” 21. I will not cut my master’s nails. 22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master. 23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like “going to work”. 24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work. 25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command. 26. I will not bring home any more cats. 27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business. 28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master. 29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it. 30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier. 31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet. 32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle. 33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice. 34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters. 35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient. 36. Dog bladders are not large. 37. I will not yell at my master for creating “chew toys” from found objects. 38. I will not run out of treats. 39. I will ,make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents, for my master. 40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats. 41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit. 42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master. 43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master. 44. I will try much harder to understand my master’s language. 45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing. 46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really. 47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore. 48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them. 49. I will always carry cookies and treats. 50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master. 51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA, she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there. 52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning. 53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy “chair”. 54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard. 55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping “illegally”.
20 Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends. 10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman. 12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding. 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly. 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly. 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me. 17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’ 18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either. 19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction. 20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.
Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
Motor Trend never mentioned a “Chevrolet Caca.” Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan. Passenger-side “airbag” is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace. Car has spent more time on “60 Minutes” than on the road. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags. “Jaws of Life” in trunk. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, “Where do you want to go today?” You realize too late that it *is* your father’s Oldsmobile. Ralph Nader’s home phone number written on dashboard. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
You don’t recall that line from It’s A Wonderful Life saying, “Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!” Your kid makes a fortune trading in “Elmo futures.” Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary “4th wise man” in new nativity scenes. The impossible-to-get “Tickle Me Jesus” Santa’s Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year’s Indy 500. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet. WWF presents “Oh, Holy Night” Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy! Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks. Santa’s North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, “On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy.” $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness’s pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter’s. The Baby GAP’s line of Swaddling Clothes(TM) Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase “Ho, Ho, Ho” — an injunction limits Santa to “a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables.” Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman’s hair.
Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say
What do you mean today’s our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!! And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there. Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
You Know You’re Having a Bad Day When…
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. Your income tax refund check bounces. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. You put both contacts into the same eye. Your mother approves of the person you’re dating. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard. Nothing you own is actually paid for. Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker. You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age. You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Recalled Christmas Toys
Broken Bag-O-Glass Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook Timothy McVays home Chemistry set Switchblade Barney Pork-n-Beany Babies Make your own moonshine kit Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
You Know You’re Too Stressed If…
You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin to chase you. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. Things become “Very Clear.” You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. You and Reality file for divorce. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.